Yes...we should all use them. However, we should not use them to tip. Please do NOT leave your condoms on my bar.
Thanks.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Next time
Please don't buy a drink and then realize that you don't have enough money to tip me so you come up with the following:
"I'll be right back with your tip!"
"I'll get you next time."
"I'll tip you at the end."
I know your not coming back, I wasn't born yesterday. Why on earth would you think we are stupid enough to fall for that line if you can barely pay for your first drink. If you do come back, don't bother coming to me! I don't want to waste my time or you will get served last, you're not my priority. Tipping at the end is only for credit card users. If you are paying with cash you pay as you go, you tip as you go.
Now I will add there are those few people that do come back to tip, and believe me, we WILL remember you.
"I'll be right back with your tip!"
"I'll get you next time."
"I'll tip you at the end."
I know your not coming back, I wasn't born yesterday. Why on earth would you think we are stupid enough to fall for that line if you can barely pay for your first drink. If you do come back, don't bother coming to me! I don't want to waste my time or you will get served last, you're not my priority. Tipping at the end is only for credit card users. If you are paying with cash you pay as you go, you tip as you go.
Now I will add there are those few people that do come back to tip, and believe me, we WILL remember you.
I CAN'T HEAR YOU
So bars/clubs are usually loud right? So what makes you think I can hear you when you whisper? That's right I can't. After working in a place like that for a while our hearing tends to go. So when I have asked you to repeat yourself more than 3 times try speaking up so I can hear you. If your thoat hurts or your sick, stay home, I don't want to catch what you have. If you can't talk louder at least write it down or tell a friend to tell me. Also, listen up when I repeat your drink order, when I say scotch and water and you say yes and then get mad when you really wanted a vodka tonic, you are still going to pay for it.
Make out club.
Go to the corner, go to the bathroom stall, go to the alley out back, or go get a hotel room. Where ever you go don't go to my bar and make out! It's really distusting to watch two sloppy drunks go at it right in front of me. You have the option of walking away from me, I cannot walk away from you. So please just get it on somewhere else, I really don't want to see it. Oh, and she's not that cute anyway, and sweetheart he is old enough to be your dad!
Do you know who I am?
Do you know who I am? Nope and no one cares. You don't get served first, you wait like the rest of the common folk. Also, if you are throwing your money around, that's cool, but it is not an excuse or privilege to act like an ass and/or like you own the place. So calm down, lose the ego your no one special. Thanks!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Drink Names
Stop making up nick names for drinks.
I don't know what a "hendog" is. Is that Hennesy or Heineken?
A lit. WTF? I get that you mean Long Island, just say it, it's loud in here!
Oh and when you say cape cod you sound like a douche bag.
I don't know what a "hendog" is. Is that Hennesy or Heineken?
A lit. WTF? I get that you mean Long Island, just say it, it's loud in here!
Oh and when you say cape cod you sound like a douche bag.
Get our Attention
Shouting gets you nowhere. Snapping your fingers gets you nowhere. Slurping your drink louder then the music playing gets you no where. Screaming "EYY" gets you know where. Yelling out "Staff" because that's on the back of my shirt gets you no where. Yelling out the name on the back of my jersey (because it's bartender wears a jersey to work day) gets you no where. Waving your arms like you need to be rescued at sea gets you know where. Throwing something get you no where.
You will wait longer to get your drink so be paitent and I will be right with you.
Thanks.
You will wait longer to get your drink so be paitent and I will be right with you.
Thanks.
Short lesson on Ash trays
Ash trays are for ashes.
Enough said!
Keep your gum, chicken bones and whatever else you crazy people like to put in ash trays out. I have to clean that and it's gross.
Enough said!
Keep your gum, chicken bones and whatever else you crazy people like to put in ash trays out. I have to clean that and it's gross.
You're sooooo special!
Which one is the correct way to ask for discounnted drinks?
A.) What's Cheap?
B.) Do you have anything on special?
If you said B, CONGRATS you don't win a new car, but you get the right answer!
What's Cheap is you. You're bascially telling me you have no money and that every penny in the five dollars in your pocket is going straight towards getting you a drink and you are making us work for free. Awesome, I love going to work and working for nothing, don't you?!?
Asking what the specials are is just a better way of asking, I would be more then happy to tell you.
Also, lets say for fun, a type of vodka is on special. You can not modify a special. There are upcharges for extra liquor, or Redbull and even some places certain juices. Don't expect a Vodka, Peach Snapps, Triple Sec and Tequila with Redbull to be $3.00.
A.) What's Cheap?
B.) Do you have anything on special?
If you said B, CONGRATS you don't win a new car, but you get the right answer!
What's Cheap is you. You're bascially telling me you have no money and that every penny in the five dollars in your pocket is going straight towards getting you a drink and you are making us work for free. Awesome, I love going to work and working for nothing, don't you?!?
Asking what the specials are is just a better way of asking, I would be more then happy to tell you.
Also, lets say for fun, a type of vodka is on special. You can not modify a special. There are upcharges for extra liquor, or Redbull and even some places certain juices. Don't expect a Vodka, Peach Snapps, Triple Sec and Tequila with Redbull to be $3.00.
Home Sweet Bar
Treat your favorite watering hole, or any place for that matter, like you would treat your home. Please answer the following:
Do you eat a pile of chicken wings and leave bones all over the floor?
Do you stick gum all over the furniture at home?
Do you leave your trash all over your place?
Do you not see that trash can a foot away from where you are standing?
Do you puke all over your tables at home?
Would you want someone coming to your job or home and doing this to you? Not crying about having to clean up because that's part of having to work in a bar. But let's be honest, didn't anyone raise you better than to just leave crap everywhere and destory the place? That's not what going to a bar is. Be a good bar patron and throw your trash away.
Do you eat a pile of chicken wings and leave bones all over the floor?
Do you stick gum all over the furniture at home?
Do you leave your trash all over your place?
Do you not see that trash can a foot away from where you are standing?
Do you puke all over your tables at home?
Would you want someone coming to your job or home and doing this to you? Not crying about having to clean up because that's part of having to work in a bar. But let's be honest, didn't anyone raise you better than to just leave crap everywhere and destory the place? That's not what going to a bar is. Be a good bar patron and throw your trash away.
Match maker match maker make me a match...
My job is not to go to work everynight and play Match.com. I don't send drinks, love notes or relay messages because you either A.) have no balls to get up yourself and talk to someone. or B.) are way to lazy to move to the other side of the bar. I will not find out someone's sign, or what they like to do for fun or if they are a dog person or a cat person. I don't have time for that. Slam down a double shot of courage and do it yourself. Oh! and if you want to impress the person you are picking up, leave a big tip for the bartender (just thought I'd throw that in there).
Never Leave your drink unattended
I really shouldn't have to elaborate much further than the title. But those of you that still do not get it please continue to read.
Reason why you shouldn't:
1. Male or Female - Let's face it, there are some crazy people in this world. You never know if someone was stalking you all night and was waiting for the right chance to slip something in your drink. You should even be careful asking your friends to hold your drink. Also, don't ask me to watch it because I am not responsible for what happens to it.
2. Why would you want to leave your drink alone and then when you come back your not sure which one is yours?! I mean someone could be having a herpie outbreak and might have left their herpie juice all over the cup and now you are drinking out of it. Ewww...
3. You are all the sudden mad at me because I threw it away. If I see a half empty beer or drink on the bar with no one standing there drinking it, it's going in the trash because I like a clean bar. Not to mention, at the end of the night I have throw so many full drinks away because people just leave them there. How the heck am I supposed to know if this drink is done yet.
Bottom line, just keep your drink with you like it's your little new born baby.
Reason why you shouldn't:
1. Male or Female - Let's face it, there are some crazy people in this world. You never know if someone was stalking you all night and was waiting for the right chance to slip something in your drink. You should even be careful asking your friends to hold your drink. Also, don't ask me to watch it because I am not responsible for what happens to it.
2. Why would you want to leave your drink alone and then when you come back your not sure which one is yours?! I mean someone could be having a herpie outbreak and might have left their herpie juice all over the cup and now you are drinking out of it. Ewww...
3. You are all the sudden mad at me because I threw it away. If I see a half empty beer or drink on the bar with no one standing there drinking it, it's going in the trash because I like a clean bar. Not to mention, at the end of the night I have throw so many full drinks away because people just leave them there. How the heck am I supposed to know if this drink is done yet.
Bottom line, just keep your drink with you like it's your little new born baby.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Smile!
Why I’m so funny and why I have a dream to educate the world on how to act in a bar:
(The following events are a true story, name of the character has been changed due to completely humiliating this person.)
Weird creepy loser drunk guy: “Hey can I have a beer?”
The world’s most talented bartender on the east coast: “Sure…what kind?”
WCLDG: “Ugh…surprise me”
TWMTBOTEC: “Not really sure what you want, all we have left is Stella, Bud and Bud light”
WCLDG: “Aghhh forget it, I don’t have any money anyway.”
TWMTBOTEC: “So if you don’t have money to buy a beer, why did you order one?”
WCLDG: “Well, I could get one with my smile.”
WCLDG proceeds to smile and just proved that he has horrible genetics, never brushed and/or chewed on rocks everyday for 6 years.
TWMTBOTEC: “How about I give you two beers to never smile around me again?”
Yet another confused person on how to act in a bar. WCLDG…see what you don’t understand, is that a smile will only get you so far in life, a really bad smile will get you nowhere in life. So, spend some extra hours at the office, or whatever it is you do and save save save for that one time you have an urge to grab a beer. Money=beer.
(The following events are a true story, name of the character has been changed due to completely humiliating this person.)
Weird creepy loser drunk guy: “Hey can I have a beer?”
The world’s most talented bartender on the east coast: “Sure…what kind?”
WCLDG: “Ugh…surprise me”
TWMTBOTEC: “Not really sure what you want, all we have left is Stella, Bud and Bud light”
WCLDG: “Aghhh forget it, I don’t have any money anyway.”
TWMTBOTEC: “So if you don’t have money to buy a beer, why did you order one?”
WCLDG: “Well, I could get one with my smile.”
WCLDG proceeds to smile and just proved that he has horrible genetics, never brushed and/or chewed on rocks everyday for 6 years.
TWMTBOTEC: “How about I give you two beers to never smile around me again?”
Yet another confused person on how to act in a bar. WCLDG…see what you don’t understand, is that a smile will only get you so far in life, a really bad smile will get you nowhere in life. So, spend some extra hours at the office, or whatever it is you do and save save save for that one time you have an urge to grab a beer. Money=beer.
Bottle or Draft
A short lesson on Draft and Bottles.
Step by step instructions on how to order your favorite beer:
1. Get ready to go to the bar.
2. Put down your over powering cologne because you think it is going to get you laid tonight.
3. Think about what you want on the way to the bar (ahhh….remember this one??).
4. Walk up to the bar.
5. Take a second to survey the bar, there may be a bottle and draft selection in front of you (asking what’s on tap when the taps are in front of you make you look like illiterate asshole.)
6. Wait patiently for a bartender to greet you.
7. Order you favorite tasty beverage. If it is a beer, please specify if you would like your beer to come in draft or bottle form.
8. Pay and tip!
It’s that easy huh? See, some bartenders are not mind readers. We don’t know if you want draft or bottle. If we are busy and like 6 deep, we are going to give you a bottle. Pouring a draft takes a lot longer to get to you. So before you order your beer PLEASE tell us EXCATLY what it is you want.
Step by step instructions on how to order your favorite beer:
1. Get ready to go to the bar.
2. Put down your over powering cologne because you think it is going to get you laid tonight.
3. Think about what you want on the way to the bar (ahhh….remember this one??).
4. Walk up to the bar.
5. Take a second to survey the bar, there may be a bottle and draft selection in front of you (asking what’s on tap when the taps are in front of you make you look like illiterate asshole.)
6. Wait patiently for a bartender to greet you.
7. Order you favorite tasty beverage. If it is a beer, please specify if you would like your beer to come in draft or bottle form.
8. Pay and tip!
It’s that easy huh? See, some bartenders are not mind readers. We don’t know if you want draft or bottle. If we are busy and like 6 deep, we are going to give you a bottle. Pouring a draft takes a lot longer to get to you. So before you order your beer PLEASE tell us EXCATLY what it is you want.
A short lesson
It is not at any point okay to come behind any bartenders bar. I don't care if you think you are god (you egotistical asshole), you do not go behind any bartenders bar. I don't care if you have been bartending for 35 years, you do not go behind any bartenders bar. So what did we learn today?
Do not go behind any bartenders bar.
Do not go behind any bartenders bar.
Sign the slip
Make sure when you are closing out your tab that you completely fill out the credit card slip. That means you add a tip (if you are not tipping cash), you put the CORRECT total and then sign your name at the bottom. Not a big deal if the math is wrong, not a big deal if it took you 3 times to figure it out, and not a big deal if your signature looks like a 2 year old got to it. The big deal is leaving the tip and total blank. Leaving that blank should be fair game for me to put whatever I want there. It's like handing me a blank check. Not that I have ever done that before (I'm sure there are those dishonest folks out there). But there should be some kind of law that if someone stiffs us we should be entitled to a tip that is 20% of the bill….Just sayin'!
Pass the cash not the gas.
If you know that you ate something bad for dinner or you know you have a bad gas problem…stay in for the night. Don't come to my bar and fart. The problem is, bartenders are trapped behind the bar. When someone comes and drops their ass in on or around the bar, we have to stand there until your fart goes away. If you identify with any of these call it a movie night.
1. LDF – The long distance fart, or better known as the traveling fart. Just because you fart at one end of the bar doesn't mean we can't smell it on the other side and it is still killing us.
2. The Blamer – The person who farted and looks to the next person and blames it on them. Dude come on….you're the only one standing there….we know you did it.
3. The bust and run – We saw you come…..we smelt you leave. We will remember you the next time you come to the bar to get a drink…you may get served first but your drink will not be good.
4. The tormentor – You purposely fart around people and enjoy watching people gasp for air. I hope it burns your ass on the way out b/c that is not nice!
5. The Sharter - You farted earlier and didn't realize that you pooped a little and now a fart trail follows you and your friends feel bad for you and don't want to tell you, you A. Need to change your underwear and B. Get new friends.
The Bottom line is. Got Gas…STAY HOME! Do NOT keep farting at my bar.
Oh and if you did fart, you should leave a bigger and better tip for having me spend the next 60 secs gagging from your gas.
1. LDF – The long distance fart, or better known as the traveling fart. Just because you fart at one end of the bar doesn't mean we can't smell it on the other side and it is still killing us.
2. The Blamer – The person who farted and looks to the next person and blames it on them. Dude come on….you're the only one standing there….we know you did it.
3. The bust and run – We saw you come…..we smelt you leave. We will remember you the next time you come to the bar to get a drink…you may get served first but your drink will not be good.
4. The tormentor – You purposely fart around people and enjoy watching people gasp for air. I hope it burns your ass on the way out b/c that is not nice!
5. The Sharter - You farted earlier and didn't realize that you pooped a little and now a fart trail follows you and your friends feel bad for you and don't want to tell you, you A. Need to change your underwear and B. Get new friends.
The Bottom line is. Got Gas…STAY HOME! Do NOT keep farting at my bar.
Oh and if you did fart, you should leave a bigger and better tip for having me spend the next 60 secs gagging from your gas.
Don't hit on me
Please please whatever you do, do not hit on me; give me sad pick up lines; ask for my number or whatever you are trying to do to get free drinks. I know I look good, I looked in the mirror before I came to work, your pick up lines I heard from the guy that was in front of you and he paid double and my number is the same number as the bar I work at (How did that happen???). Since we are on this topic, a compliment does not mean you don't have to tip. It won't pay the bills and it won't support my shopping habit. Shut your trap and empty your wallet! J
Hit me with your best shot!!
When ordering a round of shots for you and your friends; pick one shot and stick with it. Don't come up to my bar when I super slammed and order 2 Dirty bong water, 1 Red Headed Slut, 1 Jack and 3 SoCo and limes. Do you know what a pain in the ass that is? I guarantee you that the next time you come to the bar you will go last just because of all the trouble you caused me, and since you suck at life you probably didn't tip all that great either. Now it's perfectly okay to order: 1 Jack, 1 Rumple mintz, and 3 Jagers because prepping the drink is just grabbing the bottle and pouring it. All shooters that take 2 minutes each to make (not to mention washing the tins and running all over the bar to grab ingredients) need to be the only shooter you order that round. Don't be so complicated, your wussy female friends need to plug their noses and throw the jack down the hatch, chase it with a coke and in no time the burning sensation will end.
Also, it's pretty much impossible to make one dirty bong water so don't order just one, grab a friend or make a new one and order two or more!
Also, it's pretty much impossible to make one dirty bong water so don't order just one, grab a friend or make a new one and order two or more!
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